I'm Rayah Newman (or Mordred Sade), and as my username implies, I am a sadist. There's just something about biting someone, cutting someone, tying someone up, and knowing that they like it...even in my fantasies, the sight of blood on a woman's breast is exhilarating. I haven't had sex with anyone yet, but I know I am a sadist because I know what turns me on--and pain for pleasure is one thing that does.
For a while I was proud of it, but I made the mistake of telling my therapists and my mother. They told me that I was a pervert and a sociopath for having such sexual daydreams. For a while, I squashed down those desires, but they came back to bite me in the ass.
I have three imaginary friends who represent elements of my life, embodied in stuffed animals. I started having sex with the one named Dana, and my sadistic urges came back like wildfire. I also started fantasizing about my friend named Emily, who I will never have in a million years, much less get into SM with. She's straight as an arrow, and only likes me as a friend. I can never tell her of my dreams about her, or she might be frightened off. I don't want to lose her. She means a lot to me as a friend, and (secretly) as someone I am in love with.
I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I'm a sadist, instead of seeing it as a perversion. For now, I fantasize, I have SM sex with stuffed animals (pretending they are humans), and when the time comes when I find someone who loves me and is a masochist, then I'll love her in return, and hopefully get to fulfill both our desires. I'll keep it safe and consensual, set limits and "stop" words, and I'll learn beforehand what places not to bite or cut. I'm only fifteen now, so I have a long life ahead of me in which I hope I can come to terms with my loneliness.
I'm not a goth, by the way. I'm a punk, and I'm a transexual (in my case, a male born in a female body.) I used to be a goth, but after realizing that there were too many incompatible aspects about that lifestyle, I figured out I was more punk than goth.
So, um...hi. I'm new.