For years I had fantasies of being tied up, dominated, getting choked, and even being raped by the one I was involved with, but I never had any clarification of the things I liked. I took up a character for an RPG I belong to and started doing research on sadomasochism and everything involved with it. I've almost become obsessed. I've learned that I'm a definite masochist with sadist qualities. (Aren't we all? =P)
Last summer I started cutting myself. The upper part of my left wrist and just above my left ankle. At the time I was on some serious drugs and highly depressed, and I honestly believe that at that time I was just going through a fucked up time period in my life. I stopped once I got off the drugs and even let a few loved ones know what I was doing to myself. I cut myself a couple of months later because of an ex (which I vowed to never do again.) And haven't done it since until....
About a month and a half ago I was talking to a friend online and I came clean about the thing I loved most and tried twice. Being choked. He told me the term Erotic Asphyxiation. I began doing research on it as well, and finally found that I'm not the only one who likes hands around my throat while I'm being fucked. It brought a whole new light to my sexuality, and since then I've found I am into the following: Erotic Asphyxiation, Breath Play, Breath Control Play, Blood Play, Knife/Razor Play, Bondage (which I'd known about for a while), + more, and the thing that narrows it all down to two words... Death Fantasies. There's nothing that gets me off more than knowing my life is in someone's hands and with one slip up I could die. It's the most thrilling experience in the world.
Several days ago I cut myself again for the first time in months. But this time it was not out of depression at all. I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to watch myself bleed. I cut myself a total of fifteen times just above my left ankle. I played in the blood, using the razor blade to spell things out with my dark crimson liquid. It was the perfect mind orgasm, enough to make me soaking wet. It was the most amazing thing. I played it safe though. Once I was done, I cleaned out the wounds and covered them to stop the bleeding.
The cuts are healing. I know I'll do it again. I now long for someone else to cut me and another's hands around my neck again. Not only do I want it, but I need it. It's now a big part of my life, and I don't expect it to ever leave.